Fidelity in Marriage

What is Fidelity on marriage? Many people believe that fidelity only consist of any physical cats with someone other than your spouse. However Kenneth W. Matheson talk taught us that there is much more to fidelity in marriage. Yes fidelity is refraining from physical contact but it also includes a complete commitment to one another, trust, and respect between husband and wife. President Ezra Taft Benson said, “What does it mean to love someone with all your heart? It means to love with all your emotional feelings and with all your devotion.”

In Matheson’s talk “Fidelity in Marriage: It’s More Than You Think” he stated, “A marriage can be placed in a precarious situation when one spouse forms a relationship with someone outside the marriage and begins to choose the company of that person or frequently shares personal information with that person rather than with a spouse. Furthermore, the problem can occur with either husband or wife.” He goes on to explain and warn about each kind of infidelity in marriage.

Emotional Infidelity

“Emotional infidelity, which occurs when emotions and thoughts are focused on someone other than a spouse, is an insidious threat that can weaken the trust between a couple and shatter peace of mind.” We need to be careful because emotional infidelity happens gradually and often seems innocent at first.

Signs of Emotional Infidelity

“Relationships with others of the opposite sex are not in and of themselves a problem or a fracture of fidelity. In fact, many of our meaningful relationships with neighbors, Church friends, co-workers, and others have a balanced and important place in our lives. However, there is a danger zone that people may cross into if they are not watchful. Compromising on spiritual fidelity can create emotional heartbreak, distrust, and marital conflict. If not corrected, this can lead to physical infidelity.”

Spiritual Fidelity

 “Spiritual fidelity.” This phrase underscores the seriousness of the choices we make because it recognizes the eternal potential of our marital relationships as well as the importance of acting in accordance with the promptings of the Holy Ghost. Spiritual fidelity also causes us to consider the sacred covenants we have made in the temple and how the very nature of our thoughts and deeds can undermine those covenants. In other words, if a person is unfaithful spiritually he is not honoring his temple covenants even though he has not committed physical acts of intimacy.”

When a spouse has found themselves compromise and their spiritual fidelity is in question it is important for them to make the necessary changes by humbling themselves before the Lord, repent, and work on restoring their relationship. They also need to focus on, “ fasting, prayer, temple attendance, scripture study, and pondering the Lord’s teachings are essential in helping one remain pure and true to one’s spouse and in healing the relationship.”

Marital Fidelity

The Family Proclamation states, “The family is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity. … We warn that individuals who violate covenants of chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God.”

This means that those who are married need to remember that it is not okay to flirt, become emotionally attached, or have desires for others than with our spouse. The Lord says in no uncertain terms: “Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else”

Charity

We have been taught that Charity is the pure love of Christ. “Charity suffereth long, and is kind, [charity] envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own” (Moroni 7:45). President Hinckley stated,“that most problems in love and marriage ultimately start with selfishness.” If our marriages are centered on Christ then why would Charity in our marriage not be a top priority? Dr. Goddard said, "Charity is the lens through which we see each other." How we see each other and then treat one another is a choice that we have to make every day. We have to choose to put our spouse and loved ones needs before our own. We need to learn to be both sympathetic and empathetic to their thoughts and feelings. Goddard also stated that, “In our own ways we all contribute to our own unhappiness...charity does not flow automatically from having an extraordinary spouse.  It is primarily the result of the way we choose to see each other." This is really important because when we truly love someone we see them for who they are and are not concerned with trying to change them. Goddard said, "When we love our partners the way they are, we don't care if they change!  That is the very thing that liberates them to change." If our spouse wants to change then they will because of our love and acceptance of them as they already are.

Charity helps us through the tough times within our marriages. It helps us develop a great sense of ourselves and our loved ones. Elder Jeffery R. Holland said, “Love is a fragile thing, and some elements in life can try to break it. Much damage can be done if we are not in tender hands, caring hands. To give ourselves totally to another person, as we do in marriage, is the most trusting step we take in any human relationship. It is a real act of faith—faith all of us must be willing to exercise. If we do it right, we end up sharing everything—all our hopes, all our fears, all our dreams, all our weaknesses, and all our joys—with another person…One of the great purposes of true love is to help each other in these times. No one ought to have to face such trials alone. We can endure almost anything if we have someone at our side who truly loves us, who is easing the burden and lightening the load.”

Anger

The Family Proclamation states that, “the family is central to the Creator’s plan” and that “husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other” and a “sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness”. While this is Heavenly Fathers plan for His children Satan also has a plan which involve waging war on families. Elder Lynn G. Robbins said, “His strategy is to stir up anger between family members. Satan is the “father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another”…A cunning part of his strategy is to dissociate anger from agency, making us believe that we are victims of an emotion that we cannot control.”

When we become angry we are using our free agency by giving into Satan and his influence for contention. Elder Robbins also stated, “Unchecked, anger can quickly trigger an explosion of cruel words and other forms of emotional abuse that can scar a tender heart…Choice and accountability are inseparable principles. Because anger is a choice, there is a strong warning in the proclamation “that individuals … who abuse spouse or offspring, … will one day stand accountable before God.”

We need to learn that there is a connection between agency and anger. We have the choice and free agency on how we will handle disputes and upsets within our homes and relationships. We cannot forget that once something is said out of anger or frustration can be forgiven but never forgotten. 

Pride

C. S. Lewis said, “Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man. … It is the comparison that makes you proud: the pleasure of being above the rest. Once the element of competition has gone, pride has gone.”

In our relationships we need to beware of pride.  In the scriptures pride is always considered a sin. President Ezra Taft Benson stated, “The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition…Another major portion of this very prevalent sin of pride is enmity toward our fellowmen. We are tempted daily to elevate ourselves above others and diminish them.” When it comes to our marriages pride can have a devastating affect on it. There are many ways in which pride can seep into our relationships and take hold if we are not careful and do not recognize them as signs of pride. President Benson stated that with pride, “It is manifest in so many ways, such as faultfinding, gossiping, backbiting, murmuring, living beyond our means, envying, coveting, withholding gratitude and praise that might lift another, and being unforgiving and jealous.” He also went on to say that disobedience, contention, and selfishness are also common elements of pride.

There are many ways in which we can fight pride by turning our hearts to God with humility and repentance. Each of us at some point will fall victim to pride whether we know it or not. It is up to us to humble ourselves and repent to the Lord and seek forgiveness for those we have wronged. We can happy and healthy relationships if we can recognize the pride cycle and do everything in our power to fight against it. 

Small and Simple Things

Turning towards each other is a fundamental principle in any relationship. This allows each partner to build upon their marriage and help them get through the difficult and stressful times that may arise. John Gottman stated, " The first step and turning toward each other more is simply to be aware of how crucial this mini moments are, not only to your marriage's trust level but two it's ongoing since the romance... many people think that the secret to reconnecting with their partner is a vacation by the sea. But a romantic outing only turns up the heat if a couple has kept the pilot light burning by staying in touch in a little ways." Turning towards one another doesn't need to be a grand overture. Often all it takes is the small and simple gestures that can lead to others and slowly build upon each other. Gottman stated that he has noticed that there are two types of situations which interfere with couples turning towards each other and building trust. The first is what he called the "missing" A bed because it's wrapped in anger or other negative emotions. What he means by this is that when a relationship has hit a rough patch it might be hard for one spouse to recognize when the other is trying to make a bid for connection. Often this can lead to miss interpretation, communication, and assumptions which lead to a negative outcome.  He suggest that before you reply to your spouse think about what they are saying and not how they said it. The second situation he said was being distracted by the wired world. What he means by this is that with all of the different kinds of technology and Internet access our interactions have become more virtual cutting us off from actual social interactions. Most people no longer communicate through phone calls and face-to-face meetings we often sent emails, text messages, or go on social media. We are becoming unconsciously distracted by our devices which can intern cause conflict in relationships. It's important for couples to connect with each other without their devices and find time to disconnect and unplug from all electronics and be there for one another. 

Love Maps

Dr. Gottman teaches that a Love Maps is the first level of a strong relationship. He uses the term Love Map to describe where you keep all the important information in your brain in regards to your spouse or significant other. According to Dr. Gottman, “Emotionally intelligent couples remember all the major events in each other’s history, and continuously update their information as the facts and feelings of their spouse’s would change.” It is important to truly know your spouse as it will strengthen your relationship but also helps to prepare you for trials and difficulties often found in marriage.

In his book Dr. Gottman conducted a study of married couples and their level of marital satisfactions following the birth of their first child. He found that 67% of couple’s marital satisfaction declined while 33% of couples saw an improvement after the birth of their first child. He believes that those couples whose marriages thrive had a deeper understanding of their spouse as opposed to those who did not and struggled with the new dynamics of their family.

Gottman stated, “Detailed Love Maps protected couples in the wake of this dramatic upheaval. Because husband and wife were already in the habit of keeping up to date and were intently aware of what each other was feeling and thinking, their marriage remained stable. But if couple don’t start off with a deep knowledge and understanding of each other, it’s easy for a marriage to lose its way when lives shift so suddenly and dramatically.”

Dr. Gottman uses the following questionnaire for both you and your spouse to use as an exercise to see how well you know each other and how developed your Love Maps are. This questionnaire can give you a glimpse into your marriage and what areas may need improvement and how to strengthen your marriage relationship to not only strengthen your bond with one another but also prepare you for life’s difficulties. 

The Four Horsemen

Marriage is hard and it is a lot of work but even the most successful relationships are not free from conflict. In John Gottmans book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” he discusses the Four Horsemen who are the apocalypse in a marriage. They are Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt, and Stonewalling. It’s very common to find these in most relationships however healthy relationships very rarely use them and when they do they are able to repair them when they are used. I found two really good websites listed below that go into better detail of how these horsemen can have a negative effect on your marriage and the antidotes in which they offer to help you correct those negative behaviors.

Criticism: A complaint focuses on a specific behavior, while a criticism attacks the character of the person. 

Antidote: “make a direct complaint that is not an attack on your spouse.” I like the saying I saw which was “complain without blame.”

Contempt: “rises from a sense of superiority over one’s partner. It is a form of disrespect” This can lead to divorce if not corrected.

Antidote: “work on building appreciation for the small and large things in your spouse.”

Defensiveness: “Many people become defensive when they are being criticized, but the problem is that being defensive never helps to solve the problem at hand. Defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner.”

Antidote: “listen to your spouse and try to take responsibility for part of the problem that is being presented.”

Stonewalling: Stonewalling occurs when the “discussions begin with a harsh start-up, where criticism and contempt lead to defensiveness and eventually one partner tunes out.

Antidote: “practice physiological self-soothing. The first step of physiological self-soothing is to stop the conflict discussion…recognize when you or your spouse might be getting overwhelmed and decide to take a break and then later resume the issue.”

If these four negative influnces are not corrected they can have over time an everlasting affect on your marriage. These are all things that will lead you down the road towards divorce but at the same time they are cures for them. It will just take acknowledging the problem and hard work to overcome them.

Dr. John Gottman's "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" are Divorce Predictors. (n.d.). Retrieved February 01, 2017, from http://www.acouplesplace.com/Gottmans_Four_Horsemen_are_Divorce_Predictors.html

The Four Horsemen: The Antidotes. (2017, January 28). Retrieved February 01, 2017, from https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-the-antidotes/