Equal Partners

Who Is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families Richard B. Miller, PhD

Within families and marriages the issue of control and who is the boss can sometimes become blurry however it is important for there to be an established hierarchy in order to have successful families.

In the Family Proclamation it states that, “Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners.”

In his BYU conference address Richard B. Miller addressed these four issues within families in order for them to be successful and have the proper hierarchy.

1. Parents are the leaders in the family.

He taught that it is important for well-functioning families to have a clear a decisive hierarchy with regards to children and their parents. Children need to have set boundaries and they need to have parent help teach them within those boundaries. Spencer W. Kimball said, “Discipline is probably one of the most important elements in which a mother and father can lead and guide and direct their children…. Setting limits to what a child can do means to that child that you love him and respect him. If you permit the child to do all the things he would like to do without any limits, that means to him that you do not care much about him.”

2. Parents must be united in their leadership.

It is very common for kids to try and play their parents against one another. When this happens it undermines the other parent. It is very important for parents to support each other and back each other up. They need to be a complete united front working together to make decisions.

Joseph F. Smith stated, “Parents… should love and respect each other, and treat each other with respectful decorum and kindly regard, all the time... Then it will be easy for the parents to instill into the hearts of their children not only love for their fathers and their mothers, not only respect and courtesy towards their parents, but love and courtesy and deference between the children at home.”

3. The parent-child hierarchy dissolves when children become adults.
   There will come that time when our children will reach the age of adulthood and the dynamics between the parent and child will shift. Richard B. Miller said, “In healthy families, the parents no longer exercise control or expect their adult children to obey them. Of course, parents still have the right to set household rules concerning appropriate behavior in their house, but they no longer have the right or responsibility to tell their adult children what to do. It is now the stewardship of the adult children to make decisions concerning their own families.” Letting go can be one of the hardest things a parent has to do but in order for there to be a healthy relationship with adult children letting go is exactly what we must do.
4. The marital relationship should be a partnership.
   Once again as stated in the Family Proclamation it states, “In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners.” For there to be a healthy marriage there need to be an equal partnership between both spouses. Many martial conflict arises due to a power struggle and not working together as equal partners.
   President Gordon B. Hinckley said, “Husbands and wives are equal. In the marriage companionship there is neither inferiority nor superiority. The woman does not walk ahead of the man; neither does the man walk ahead of the woman. They walk side by side as a son and daughter of God on an eternal journey.”