Money and Marraige

Money management can often be a source of conflict within a marriage. Many couples fight and even divorce over money issues. Bernard Podskua taught in his book “Till Debut do Us Part” that there are several life cycles stages and with these comes a set of financial responsibilities. Elder Marvin J Aston said, “How important are money management and finances in marriage and family affairs? Tremendously. The American Bar Association recently indicated that 89 percent of all divorces could be traced to quarrels and accusations over money.  Others have estimated that 75 percent of all divorces result from clashes over finances. Some professional counselors indicated that four out of five families are strapped with serious money problems.”

Stage 1: Single with no children. This stage usually means you have recently graduate high school and are out on your own for the first time making major decisions and purchase for yourself. Often times this leads to excessive spending and major credit card debt.

Stage 2: Married or Single with our without young children. This stage is most known as the beginning family stage. With marriage and the start of having children come new finical responsibilities in this stage.

Stage 3: Married or Single with older teens. During this stage parents start to teach their children about spending money and budgeting. This helps the children learn how to save and buy for things themselves.

Stage 4: Married or Single Launching children. This is the stage where children are now grown and start to leave the home. While parents no longer have to care for they children as much they sometimes develop new finical responsibilities with taking care of aging parents.

Stage 5: Married or Single children launched. This is considered the empty nest phase of life. This is the time where couples can now divide the money between them and start doing some of their dreams like travel.

Stage 6: Married or Single Retirement. Once couples retire they are now on a fixed income whether that be with a large cushion or a small on. Some find that they did not plan accordingly and will struggle during retirement. Alost hi is the time when health starts to decline and there’s an increase in medical expenses.

                                                                                                       

Elder Ashton also stated, “In the home, money management between husband and wife should be on a partnership basis, with both parties having a voice in decision and policy making. When children come along and reach the age of accountability, they, too, should be involved in money concerns on a limited-partnership basis. Peace, contentment, love, and security in the home are not possible when financial anxieties and bickerings prevail. Whether we are anticipating marriage or are well into it, today is the time for all of us to review and repent as necessary to improve our money-management skills and live within our means.”

Equal Partners

Who Is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families Richard B. Miller, PhD

Within families and marriages the issue of control and who is the boss can sometimes become blurry however it is important for there to be an established hierarchy in order to have successful families.

In the Family Proclamation it states that, “Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners.”

In his BYU conference address Richard B. Miller addressed these four issues within families in order for them to be successful and have the proper hierarchy.

1. Parents are the leaders in the family.

He taught that it is important for well-functioning families to have a clear a decisive hierarchy with regards to children and their parents. Children need to have set boundaries and they need to have parent help teach them within those boundaries. Spencer W. Kimball said, “Discipline is probably one of the most important elements in which a mother and father can lead and guide and direct their children…. Setting limits to what a child can do means to that child that you love him and respect him. If you permit the child to do all the things he would like to do without any limits, that means to him that you do not care much about him.”

2. Parents must be united in their leadership.

It is very common for kids to try and play their parents against one another. When this happens it undermines the other parent. It is very important for parents to support each other and back each other up. They need to be a complete united front working together to make decisions.

Joseph F. Smith stated, “Parents… should love and respect each other, and treat each other with respectful decorum and kindly regard, all the time... Then it will be easy for the parents to instill into the hearts of their children not only love for their fathers and their mothers, not only respect and courtesy towards their parents, but love and courtesy and deference between the children at home.”

3. The parent-child hierarchy dissolves when children become adults.
   There will come that time when our children will reach the age of adulthood and the dynamics between the parent and child will shift. Richard B. Miller said, “In healthy families, the parents no longer exercise control or expect their adult children to obey them. Of course, parents still have the right to set household rules concerning appropriate behavior in their house, but they no longer have the right or responsibility to tell their adult children what to do. It is now the stewardship of the adult children to make decisions concerning their own families.” Letting go can be one of the hardest things a parent has to do but in order for there to be a healthy relationship with adult children letting go is exactly what we must do.
4. The marital relationship should be a partnership.
   Once again as stated in the Family Proclamation it states, “In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners.” For there to be a healthy marriage there need to be an equal partnership between both spouses. Many martial conflict arises due to a power struggle and not working together as equal partners.
   President Gordon B. Hinckley said, “Husbands and wives are equal. In the marriage companionship there is neither inferiority nor superiority. The woman does not walk ahead of the man; neither does the man walk ahead of the woman. They walk side by side as a son and daughter of God on an eternal journey.” 

Fidelity in Marriage

What is Fidelity on marriage? Many people believe that fidelity only consist of any physical cats with someone other than your spouse. However Kenneth W. Matheson talk taught us that there is much more to fidelity in marriage. Yes fidelity is refraining from physical contact but it also includes a complete commitment to one another, trust, and respect between husband and wife. President Ezra Taft Benson said, “What does it mean to love someone with all your heart? It means to love with all your emotional feelings and with all your devotion.”

In Matheson’s talk “Fidelity in Marriage: It’s More Than You Think” he stated, “A marriage can be placed in a precarious situation when one spouse forms a relationship with someone outside the marriage and begins to choose the company of that person or frequently shares personal information with that person rather than with a spouse. Furthermore, the problem can occur with either husband or wife.” He goes on to explain and warn about each kind of infidelity in marriage.

Emotional Infidelity

“Emotional infidelity, which occurs when emotions and thoughts are focused on someone other than a spouse, is an insidious threat that can weaken the trust between a couple and shatter peace of mind.” We need to be careful because emotional infidelity happens gradually and often seems innocent at first.

Signs of Emotional Infidelity

“Relationships with others of the opposite sex are not in and of themselves a problem or a fracture of fidelity. In fact, many of our meaningful relationships with neighbors, Church friends, co-workers, and others have a balanced and important place in our lives. However, there is a danger zone that people may cross into if they are not watchful. Compromising on spiritual fidelity can create emotional heartbreak, distrust, and marital conflict. If not corrected, this can lead to physical infidelity.”

Spiritual Fidelity

 “Spiritual fidelity.” This phrase underscores the seriousness of the choices we make because it recognizes the eternal potential of our marital relationships as well as the importance of acting in accordance with the promptings of the Holy Ghost. Spiritual fidelity also causes us to consider the sacred covenants we have made in the temple and how the very nature of our thoughts and deeds can undermine those covenants. In other words, if a person is unfaithful spiritually he is not honoring his temple covenants even though he has not committed physical acts of intimacy.”

When a spouse has found themselves compromise and their spiritual fidelity is in question it is important for them to make the necessary changes by humbling themselves before the Lord, repent, and work on restoring their relationship. They also need to focus on, “ fasting, prayer, temple attendance, scripture study, and pondering the Lord’s teachings are essential in helping one remain pure and true to one’s spouse and in healing the relationship.”

Marital Fidelity

The Family Proclamation states, “The family is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity. … We warn that individuals who violate covenants of chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God.”

This means that those who are married need to remember that it is not okay to flirt, become emotionally attached, or have desires for others than with our spouse. The Lord says in no uncertain terms: “Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else”

Charity

We have been taught that Charity is the pure love of Christ. “Charity suffereth long, and is kind, [charity] envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own” (Moroni 7:45). President Hinckley stated,“that most problems in love and marriage ultimately start with selfishness.” If our marriages are centered on Christ then why would Charity in our marriage not be a top priority? Dr. Goddard said, "Charity is the lens through which we see each other." How we see each other and then treat one another is a choice that we have to make every day. We have to choose to put our spouse and loved ones needs before our own. We need to learn to be both sympathetic and empathetic to their thoughts and feelings. Goddard also stated that, “In our own ways we all contribute to our own unhappiness...charity does not flow automatically from having an extraordinary spouse.  It is primarily the result of the way we choose to see each other." This is really important because when we truly love someone we see them for who they are and are not concerned with trying to change them. Goddard said, "When we love our partners the way they are, we don't care if they change!  That is the very thing that liberates them to change." If our spouse wants to change then they will because of our love and acceptance of them as they already are.

Charity helps us through the tough times within our marriages. It helps us develop a great sense of ourselves and our loved ones. Elder Jeffery R. Holland said, “Love is a fragile thing, and some elements in life can try to break it. Much damage can be done if we are not in tender hands, caring hands. To give ourselves totally to another person, as we do in marriage, is the most trusting step we take in any human relationship. It is a real act of faith—faith all of us must be willing to exercise. If we do it right, we end up sharing everything—all our hopes, all our fears, all our dreams, all our weaknesses, and all our joys—with another person…One of the great purposes of true love is to help each other in these times. No one ought to have to face such trials alone. We can endure almost anything if we have someone at our side who truly loves us, who is easing the burden and lightening the load.”

Anger

The Family Proclamation states that, “the family is central to the Creator’s plan” and that “husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other” and a “sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness”. While this is Heavenly Fathers plan for His children Satan also has a plan which involve waging war on families. Elder Lynn G. Robbins said, “His strategy is to stir up anger between family members. Satan is the “father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another”…A cunning part of his strategy is to dissociate anger from agency, making us believe that we are victims of an emotion that we cannot control.”

When we become angry we are using our free agency by giving into Satan and his influence for contention. Elder Robbins also stated, “Unchecked, anger can quickly trigger an explosion of cruel words and other forms of emotional abuse that can scar a tender heart…Choice and accountability are inseparable principles. Because anger is a choice, there is a strong warning in the proclamation “that individuals … who abuse spouse or offspring, … will one day stand accountable before God.”

We need to learn that there is a connection between agency and anger. We have the choice and free agency on how we will handle disputes and upsets within our homes and relationships. We cannot forget that once something is said out of anger or frustration can be forgiven but never forgotten. 

Pride

C. S. Lewis said, “Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man. … It is the comparison that makes you proud: the pleasure of being above the rest. Once the element of competition has gone, pride has gone.”

In our relationships we need to beware of pride.  In the scriptures pride is always considered a sin. President Ezra Taft Benson stated, “The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition…Another major portion of this very prevalent sin of pride is enmity toward our fellowmen. We are tempted daily to elevate ourselves above others and diminish them.” When it comes to our marriages pride can have a devastating affect on it. There are many ways in which pride can seep into our relationships and take hold if we are not careful and do not recognize them as signs of pride. President Benson stated that with pride, “It is manifest in so many ways, such as faultfinding, gossiping, backbiting, murmuring, living beyond our means, envying, coveting, withholding gratitude and praise that might lift another, and being unforgiving and jealous.” He also went on to say that disobedience, contention, and selfishness are also common elements of pride.

There are many ways in which we can fight pride by turning our hearts to God with humility and repentance. Each of us at some point will fall victim to pride whether we know it or not. It is up to us to humble ourselves and repent to the Lord and seek forgiveness for those we have wronged. We can happy and healthy relationships if we can recognize the pride cycle and do everything in our power to fight against it. 

Small and Simple Things

Turning towards each other is a fundamental principle in any relationship. This allows each partner to build upon their marriage and help them get through the difficult and stressful times that may arise. John Gottman stated, " The first step and turning toward each other more is simply to be aware of how crucial this mini moments are, not only to your marriage's trust level but two it's ongoing since the romance... many people think that the secret to reconnecting with their partner is a vacation by the sea. But a romantic outing only turns up the heat if a couple has kept the pilot light burning by staying in touch in a little ways." Turning towards one another doesn't need to be a grand overture. Often all it takes is the small and simple gestures that can lead to others and slowly build upon each other. Gottman stated that he has noticed that there are two types of situations which interfere with couples turning towards each other and building trust. The first is what he called the "missing" A bed because it's wrapped in anger or other negative emotions. What he means by this is that when a relationship has hit a rough patch it might be hard for one spouse to recognize when the other is trying to make a bid for connection. Often this can lead to miss interpretation, communication, and assumptions which lead to a negative outcome.  He suggest that before you reply to your spouse think about what they are saying and not how they said it. The second situation he said was being distracted by the wired world. What he means by this is that with all of the different kinds of technology and Internet access our interactions have become more virtual cutting us off from actual social interactions. Most people no longer communicate through phone calls and face-to-face meetings we often sent emails, text messages, or go on social media. We are becoming unconsciously distracted by our devices which can intern cause conflict in relationships. It's important for couples to connect with each other without their devices and find time to disconnect and unplug from all electronics and be there for one another.