Pride

C. S. Lewis said, “Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man. … It is the comparison that makes you proud: the pleasure of being above the rest. Once the element of competition has gone, pride has gone.”

In our relationships we need to beware of pride.  In the scriptures pride is always considered a sin. President Ezra Taft Benson stated, “The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition…Another major portion of this very prevalent sin of pride is enmity toward our fellowmen. We are tempted daily to elevate ourselves above others and diminish them.” When it comes to our marriages pride can have a devastating affect on it. There are many ways in which pride can seep into our relationships and take hold if we are not careful and do not recognize them as signs of pride. President Benson stated that with pride, “It is manifest in so many ways, such as faultfinding, gossiping, backbiting, murmuring, living beyond our means, envying, coveting, withholding gratitude and praise that might lift another, and being unforgiving and jealous.” He also went on to say that disobedience, contention, and selfishness are also common elements of pride.

There are many ways in which we can fight pride by turning our hearts to God with humility and repentance. Each of us at some point will fall victim to pride whether we know it or not. It is up to us to humble ourselves and repent to the Lord and seek forgiveness for those we have wronged. We can happy and healthy relationships if we can recognize the pride cycle and do everything in our power to fight against it. 

Small and Simple Things

Turning towards each other is a fundamental principle in any relationship. This allows each partner to build upon their marriage and help them get through the difficult and stressful times that may arise. John Gottman stated, " The first step and turning toward each other more is simply to be aware of how crucial this mini moments are, not only to your marriage's trust level but two it's ongoing since the romance... many people think that the secret to reconnecting with their partner is a vacation by the sea. But a romantic outing only turns up the heat if a couple has kept the pilot light burning by staying in touch in a little ways." Turning towards one another doesn't need to be a grand overture. Often all it takes is the small and simple gestures that can lead to others and slowly build upon each other. Gottman stated that he has noticed that there are two types of situations which interfere with couples turning towards each other and building trust. The first is what he called the "missing" A bed because it's wrapped in anger or other negative emotions. What he means by this is that when a relationship has hit a rough patch it might be hard for one spouse to recognize when the other is trying to make a bid for connection. Often this can lead to miss interpretation, communication, and assumptions which lead to a negative outcome.  He suggest that before you reply to your spouse think about what they are saying and not how they said it. The second situation he said was being distracted by the wired world. What he means by this is that with all of the different kinds of technology and Internet access our interactions have become more virtual cutting us off from actual social interactions. Most people no longer communicate through phone calls and face-to-face meetings we often sent emails, text messages, or go on social media. We are becoming unconsciously distracted by our devices which can intern cause conflict in relationships. It's important for couples to connect with each other without their devices and find time to disconnect and unplug from all electronics and be there for one another. 

Love Maps

Dr. Gottman teaches that a Love Maps is the first level of a strong relationship. He uses the term Love Map to describe where you keep all the important information in your brain in regards to your spouse or significant other. According to Dr. Gottman, “Emotionally intelligent couples remember all the major events in each other’s history, and continuously update their information as the facts and feelings of their spouse’s would change.” It is important to truly know your spouse as it will strengthen your relationship but also helps to prepare you for trials and difficulties often found in marriage.

In his book Dr. Gottman conducted a study of married couples and their level of marital satisfactions following the birth of their first child. He found that 67% of couple’s marital satisfaction declined while 33% of couples saw an improvement after the birth of their first child. He believes that those couples whose marriages thrive had a deeper understanding of their spouse as opposed to those who did not and struggled with the new dynamics of their family.

Gottman stated, “Detailed Love Maps protected couples in the wake of this dramatic upheaval. Because husband and wife were already in the habit of keeping up to date and were intently aware of what each other was feeling and thinking, their marriage remained stable. But if couple don’t start off with a deep knowledge and understanding of each other, it’s easy for a marriage to lose its way when lives shift so suddenly and dramatically.”

Dr. Gottman uses the following questionnaire for both you and your spouse to use as an exercise to see how well you know each other and how developed your Love Maps are. This questionnaire can give you a glimpse into your marriage and what areas may need improvement and how to strengthen your marriage relationship to not only strengthen your bond with one another but also prepare you for life’s difficulties. 

The Four Horsemen

Marriage is hard and it is a lot of work but even the most successful relationships are not free from conflict. In John Gottmans book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” he discusses the Four Horsemen who are the apocalypse in a marriage. They are Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt, and Stonewalling. It’s very common to find these in most relationships however healthy relationships very rarely use them and when they do they are able to repair them when they are used. I found two really good websites listed below that go into better detail of how these horsemen can have a negative effect on your marriage and the antidotes in which they offer to help you correct those negative behaviors.

Criticism: A complaint focuses on a specific behavior, while a criticism attacks the character of the person. 

Antidote: “make a direct complaint that is not an attack on your spouse.” I like the saying I saw which was “complain without blame.”

Contempt: “rises from a sense of superiority over one’s partner. It is a form of disrespect” This can lead to divorce if not corrected.

Antidote: “work on building appreciation for the small and large things in your spouse.”

Defensiveness: “Many people become defensive when they are being criticized, but the problem is that being defensive never helps to solve the problem at hand. Defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner.”

Antidote: “listen to your spouse and try to take responsibility for part of the problem that is being presented.”

Stonewalling: Stonewalling occurs when the “discussions begin with a harsh start-up, where criticism and contempt lead to defensiveness and eventually one partner tunes out.

Antidote: “practice physiological self-soothing. The first step of physiological self-soothing is to stop the conflict discussion…recognize when you or your spouse might be getting overwhelmed and decide to take a break and then later resume the issue.”

If these four negative influnces are not corrected they can have over time an everlasting affect on your marriage. These are all things that will lead you down the road towards divorce but at the same time they are cures for them. It will just take acknowledging the problem and hard work to overcome them.

Dr. John Gottman's "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" are Divorce Predictors. (n.d.). Retrieved February 01, 2017, from http://www.acouplesplace.com/Gottmans_Four_Horsemen_are_Divorce_Predictors.html

The Four Horsemen: The Antidotes. (2017, January 28). Retrieved February 01, 2017, from https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-the-antidotes/